Section topics: What is Child Sexual Abuse?, Warning Signs, For Parents/Caregivers
What Should I Do if a Child Tells Me that Someone is Abusing Her/Him?
- Keep calm. It is very important to remain calm. The child may think that your anger is directed towards her/him rather than the abuser. Use comforting expressions as the child is relating her/his story.
- Believe the child. In most cases, children do not lie about sexual abuse. Let the child know that you believe her/him. Tell the child that the abuse was not her/his fault.
- Listen to the child. Let the child tell you what happened in her/his own words. Expect that the story may be incomplete. Typically, details come out as time goes by. Young children, in particular, may not know how to explain what has happened to them. Some children may deny the incident ever occurred. Many children feel overwhelming shame and guilt, especially if the child is trying to keep her/his family intact. Be patient.
- Seek medical attention. The child may be suffering internal injuries that you cannot see. A medical exam can also provide valuable evidence. A PAAR medical advocate can meet you at the hospital by calling 1.866.END.RAPE. If outside Allegheny County, have hospital personnel contact your local rape crisis center.
- Contact ChildLine. If you suspect child abuse, contact ChildLine at 1.800.932.0313. You can remain anonymous.
- REMEMBER…It is important to help the child focus on healing, recovery and reclaiming childhood.
What Shouldn’t I Do?
- Go into a rage. Do not respond by becoming angry. This will confuse and frighten the child, making her/him avoid talking to you.
- Overwhelm the child. Do not stand over or invade the child’s personal space. This may make the child feel powerless and intimidated. Do not pressure the child to talk if she/he is not ready. You are not trained to “interview” a child victim.
- Make promises. Do not make any promises that you are not sure you will be able to keep. Do not promise things like: you will never be hurt again or the person that hurt you will go to jail. Do not break the bond of trust.
- Confront the rapist. Confronting the rapist, especially in front of the child, may be harmful or dangerous. Leave this to the police.
Why Don’t Children Tell?
Children…
- are too young to understand that someone has hurt them
- were threatened or bribed
- feel confused because of fear and yet, still liking the attention
- are afraid no one will believe them
- blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being “bad”
- feel guilty for getting their parent, uncle, etc. in “trouble”
- fear upsetting the family
Sexual abuse is a crime of secrecy. Shame, fear and secrecy keep a child from talking about being abused. Victims of child sexual abuse often stop trusting the people they most care for, which contributes to secrecy.
How Can I Protect My Child?
Education is the best defense against child sexual assault. An educated child has the ability to recognize dangerous/uncomfortable situations and will be more likely to tell you if they have been abused.
In order to protect children, teach them:
- to feel good about themselves
- the difference between safe and unsafe touches
- the proper words for body parts
- that their bodies belong to them and no one has a right to hurt them
- that safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers
- that they can say “no”when they feel uncomfortable
- to report to you if any adult asks them to keep a secret
- that they can rely on you to believe them
- that they are not to blame for what has happened to them
It is also important to teach children to respect their own boundaries. Never make your children hug or kiss someone they don't want to. This is a first step in children understanding that they can decide who can touch them.
How Can I Protect My Child From An On-Line Predator?
Monitor the amount of time your child is online, particularly in chatrooms. 89% of online unwanted sexual solicitations are made in chatrooms.
Communicate. Talk openly and honestly to your child about on-line predators. Instruct your child to never arrange face-to-face meetings with someone they have met on-line, never post pictures of themselves to people they do not personally know, never give out identifying information, never download images from an unknown source and to never respond to messages that are suggestive, obscene or harassing.
Keep your home computer in a common room in the house. It is difficult to monitor your child's activity if it's in his/her bedroom. This will also keep the screen visible to adults.
Be aware of the phone calls and packages your children receive. Internet sex offenders will give out their contact information to engage in phone sex and to set up meetings. Be wary of phone calls from men you don't know or phone numbers you don't recognize. Offenders may send letters, photographs (to show that adult-child sexual relationships are normal) and gifts to child victims. Some offenders may send plane tickets so that the child can meet them.
Always be aware of changes in behavior. It is not uncommon that sex offenders will try to exploit any problems at home to gain a child's trust. Children will often become either withdrawn or explosive.
Seek out blocking, monitoring and filtering software and parental controls supplied by your internet provider. Monitoring software allows parents to check which websites their children are visiting. Blocking software "blocks" websites. Filtering software prevents private information from being sent over the internet by erasing the information BEFORE it's sent.
Create safety rules for the entire family. Post them next to the computer. Review the rules often to make sure your child understands and uses them. Example rules are:
- I will not download anything without first asking an adult.
- I will not order anything or give out private information without first asking an adult.
- I will tell my parents if I get an email message or enter a website that makes me feel uncomfortable or upset.
If you find evidence that your child may have been victimized, you should immediately call your local or state law enforcement agency. Keep your computer turned off to preserve any evidence for law enforcement. Do not attempt to copy any of the images or text found on the computer.
You can also call PAAR to help your child. We have counseling staff trained to work with children of all ages. All services are free. Call us at 412-431-5665.
Some information provided by PCAR ( Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape).
TTY: 412-431-2576
Address: 81 South 19th Street, Pittsburgh, PA 15203-1852 | Directions
All services free and confidential.
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